Photography by Joey Alford.
Thomas Holland is an automotive journalist and presenter. He hosts “Throttle House” on YouTube and “The Grand Tour” on Prime Video. But he’s most proud of the fact that he has consistently managed to keep two of his three Alfa Romeos working at any given time. His opinions are very much his own. Because usually no one else wants them.
I hate washing cars.
It’s tedious, unrewarding, and back breaking. But in case you are interested, I have made an expert tutorial for those wanting to learn:
Step 1: Head out to the driveway at the exact right time of day, so that there isn’t any sun directly on your car.
Step 2: Pull out the garden hose and pressure washer to rinse down the car. Realize garden hoses are annoying and then spend five minutes getting out all of the kinks and fixing the leaks.
Step 3: Fail to get the pressure washer running because it’s more than a year old, and therefore obviously broken. Give up and just use the hose.
Step 4: Rinse down the car to get big chunks of dirt off, then set up your buckets. You’ll need two. One for clean soapy water, one for rinsing off the cloth after it has touched the car, so that you don’t rub dirt back into the paint.
Step 5: Begin lathering up the car and consider drinking the suds because it smells like cotton candy.
Step 6: Get bored and distracted because you forgot how much surface area a car actually has, and accidentally dunk the dirty cloth in the clean bucket. Curse loudly, then go refill the buckets with clean water and soap.
Step 7: Finally finish soaping and cleaning the car, then remember the wheels have to be done too. Somehow spend the next 45 minutes cleaning every angle of the wheels. (Don’t worry, you’ll miss parts and it will look ridiculous after the rinse.)
Step 8: Realise this has taken too long and start to panic because you have to rinse and dry the car before the sun hits it for some reason.
Step 9: Panic rinse, then find your leather sham. It looks like a teenager’s favourite towel. Throw it away and just use a microfiber.
Step 10: Do an impression of a matador to get the water droplets off, but somehow screw it up and add microscratches to your car’s paint.
Step 11: It’s now sunny. Attempt to buff the paint with a water repelling spray, but do a terrible job and damage the paint further.
Step 12: A bird shits on the hood. Give up, go inside.
This is why I can count on one hand the number of times I have tried to wash a car. Because unless you have the patience of a monk, it just doesn’t work. You have to be so careful and meticulous. You have to dedicate an afternoon to it.
And if you are shouting “Use a car wash!” you obviously haven’t used one yourself. Because the ones with the brushes destroy your paint, and the touchless ones do a terrible job or are out of service, and also somehow destroy your paint. And if you find one that is actually effective, it will have that “track” for the tire that will damage the wheels and destroy your paint.
But the actual issue here isn’t washing a car.
It’s that car paint is the dumbest invention in the automotive world.
I think this is the best idea I’ve ever seen on a new car. All cars should come like this. And dealerships should offer in-house wrapping services.
Oh yes, let’s cover the outside of this vehicle that drives on gravel roads and highways with a delicate complex substance that doesn’t like ice or the sun. Or bird poo. Or a gentle brush with the button on a pair of jeans. Or soft cloths apparently.
Let’s make sure it fades over time and cracks. And we’ll make it out of a careful blend of special colours and metal flakes that’s hard to replicate if it’s damaged and you need a touch up.
This is why, whenever economically possible, I wrap my cars in PPF. But PPF is very expensive, and doesn’t make sense for many cars. So what’s the solution?
The new Slate EV truck apparently.
In case you missed it, it’s a small EV truck that’s designed to be modular. You can add as much to it as you want, or keep it incredibly basic. It doesn’t even come with power windows. It’s a blank, well, slate. It starts at $25k USD.
I think it’s sorta cool. Not something that I personally would buy, but it’s fun to have more affordable EV options. However, there is one feature of the base truck that really caught my eye.
It doesn’t have any paint. It’s just primer grey. Slate grey. Because Slate figures, if you want a colour, you should just wrap it with vinyl automotive wrap. It might be a few grand, but it’s cheaper than painting it. And you can choose from any colour or finish imaginable. Perhaps in the future a wrap of your choice is just part of the purchase price.
And the best part? You don’t have to baby a wrap. Just wipe it with whatever cloth you have. Don’t like the colour anymore? Peel off the wrap and try something new. Got a few paint chips? Just re-wrap that panel. Few rust spots? Remove the wrap, clean up the rust and re-wrap. Need to wipe off bird crap? Don’t even bother. The acid bird dung won’t eat through a wrap like it would the delicate clear coat on a normal car.
I think this is the best idea I’ve ever seen on a new car. All cars should come like this. And dealerships should offer in-house wrapping services. It would not only eliminate the idiotic invention that is car paint, but perhaps its biggest gift would be that it will hopefully inspire people to wrap their cars in fun colours, instead of being shoehorned into one of four sad, desaturated paint options.
That’s why I like the philosophy behind the Slate. It represents the potential for a stress-free-car future of individuality. Because, not only am I sick of dealing with car paint, I’m also sick of staring at a boring sea of chipped, rusted, swirl-marked blandness.