Thomas Holland is an automotive journalist and presenter. He hosts “Throttle House” on YouTube and “The Grand Tour” on Prime Video. But he’s most proud of the fact that he has consistently managed to keep two of his three Alfa Romeos working at any given time. His opinions are very much his own. Because usually no one else wants them.
I just got back from the UK after spending almost a month launching the new The Grand Tour.
It was quite a ride.
I went to a premier, did countless interviews, made several TV appearances, presented an award to Clarkson’s Farm at the National Television Awards, and attended several after-parties. At one party, I attempted to “keep up” with Richard Hammond. This resulted in depositing all of my thoroughly masticated dinner on the kitchen floor of my Airbnb at 4 am. Good times.
My stupid face is on endless double-decker buses around the UK, and it’s also staring directly up at the urinators in many men’s bathrooms. Also, for the next little while, Brits pumping their gas will have to endure either myself or one of one of my two co-hosts glaring back at them on the back of the pump handle. To that, I would like to say “We’re sorry.”
No question this was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. A veritable game changer for myself and my co-hosts.
And so ends the culmination of several years of work on Series 1 of the The Grand Tour, where I spent what felt like nearly as much time in the United Kingdom as I did in Canada.
Want to know what my biggest takeaway from the whole experience was? It actually doesn’t have anything to do with The Grand Tour. It’s that the UK is NOT just North America with Harry Potter and more roundabouts.
Things are different there, and I’m still not used to it.
Take air conditioning for example. Us North Americans take it for granted. Over there, they barely know what it is. They just don’t. Nothing is properly air conditioned. No one there seems eager to install it either, because you “rarely need it,” apparently.
They all seem to have missed the fact that they (and all of Europe) suffered through an absolutely once-in-a-generation, biblical heat wave. Actually the last several years have seen crazy high temperatures. And yet the Brits seem to be totally content exercising their Victorian right of stiff upper lip, and will happily, nay, proudly just… endure.
This is commendable and all that, but it does mean that I spent a lot of time physically uncomfortable as I tried to solve the puzzle of how to create a cross breeze in my London Airbnb without literally propping the front door open to the street. (Jokes on me, there was no way to create a crossbreeze, so I slept on the floor with the front door open.)
I actually booked that particular flat because the host advertised “air conditioning” in the listing. I shit you not, this turned out to be a couple of oscillating fans.
I had to explain to no less than seven uber drivers how to operate the climate control system in their cars.
I did five sweaty hours of interviews in the press junket before I realized that for absolutely no reason whatsoever, they hadn’t bothered to use the AC in the scorching hot hotel room. Their reaction being, “oh.. I suppose we could switch it on.”
That response completely gasted my flabber. I would like to apologize to them for shouting.
I really do enjoy spending time in the UK, but this was one reason I couldn’t wait to get back to Canada. And the other reason actually resulted in me running a red light when I returned home.
Let me explain.
Among the many things I do in the UK, driving on their roads is always among them. And in case you haven’t been following along with any UK-based motoring news, all the new cars over there are now mandated to have a whole host of annoying driver assistance and safety systems. And they must be active every time you turn your car on. This means that even though you can turn them off, you eventually don’t bother, because everything is in a stupid screen. It’s annoying to toggle these systems off every time you get in your car.
Therefore, every journey is accompanied by a cacophony of beeps, alarms, and flashes on your dashboard. You’ll get notified when you: exceed the speed limit by 1 mph, when you take your eyes off the road for one second, when you leave the lane momentarily, when a car is too close, when you aren’t stopping fast enough, when the car in front of you pulls away, and so on and so on. The steering wheel is constantly being wrenched from your hands, and you are firmly instructed by your car to take a break every 20 minutes.
These audible warnings, (coupled usually with a digital dashboard that’s an incomprehensible mess of symbols and diagrams), create a sensory experience that isn’t at all welcome when you are trying to navigate the often intensely claustrophobic English roads. And it never lets up. There is no escaping it. Cars that constantly shout at you in the UK are as ubiquitous as the lack of air conditioning. Couple these struggles with the fact that I find big cities like London too intense – and too inconvenient – and you have a recipe that made me long for the quiet and cool existence that is Canada.
So upon my return, and after re-adjusting to non Grand Tour life, I was blissful as I drove my family down a comfortably wide city street in our family Volvo XC90. Nothing was beeping at me, the road wasn’t chaotic or confusing, and I had some classical music playing. Crucially, I was also perfectly air conditioned.
It was basically therapeutic.
I approached an intersection, where I could see by the crosswalk lights that the green light was quite stale and ready to change. I of course accounted for this, as I neared the intersection and judged that even if the light went yellow at this exact instance, at my current speed I was past the point of no return and I would easily sail through the intersection before it turned red.
However, just as I was coming up to the lights there was a rather loud beeping, and something on my dashboard changed quite significantly. I was confused because this Volvo isn’t a victim of Europe’s safety system regulations and so never makes a sound as I drive along. Furthermore the beeping startled me, and for just a single moment, I felt utter confusion and a bit of distress.
I thought this didn’t happen here.
So without realizing it, I lifted off the throttle and looked down at the dashboard. The Volvo was warning me about a red light camera at the very intersection I was crossing over. It took me a moment to process because I had never seen this warning before, and every beep, klaxon, dashboard light, and safety warning from driving in the UK came screaming back all at once. I got all uncomfortable and sweaty and worried that I had forgotten how to use the AC. It was like a bad dream.
This caused me to slow down enough that the light went red, the traffic camera went off, and a $325 fine was dispatched to my mailbox.
In conclusion, the United Kingdom is responsible for me getting a red light ticket. Or maybe it’s Volvo. I don’t know. I’ll let them work it out and I expect reimbursement. Because obviously, just as I always tell my wife, I’ve done nothing wrong and this is in no way my fault.
What I do know at least is that excessive and poorly implemented driver safety systems, no matter what car they are in, or in what country, are definitely starting to do more harm than good.